Oh goodie, it’s that time of year again. E3, the trade show everybody loves until they actually go is just around the corner. It’s virtually required that media outlets around the Internet throw down their most conservative and ludicrous predictions in hope of…generating page views, I guess. As an old, grizzled gaming cynic, I’m loath to do any kind of serious crystal balling but I’ll certainly try my hand at entirely speculative shenanigans. Here, then, are my left-field predictions. I hope you enjoy them. Just realize that none of these have any chance of coming true.

SOLAR STRIKER REVENGE

Yes, they’re bringing back Nintendo’s first and only SHMUP, which was a Game Boy launch game back in 1988 or whenever. Despite never being able to beat the game, I sank hours upon hours into getting to the final boss (who was just a screen full of bullets). The game has real personality, interesting enemy ships, and cool boss designs. The music was shockingly awesome, considering this was one of the first Game Boy games, but the game featured some really unfortunate slowdown. I’ve always felt this game deserved a proper sequel, or at least a remake. Well, kids, this is it: because Nintendo isn’t capable of making a Star Fox game anymore, they’re going to throw together a 3DS game that’s basically Star Fox 64 3D but with Solar Striker ships and online leaderboards. Where’s the multiplayer? Clearly, you didn’t play the original game: you are Earth’s LAST DEFENSE against the oncoming alien hoard.

The gameplay twist will be that your Solar Striker actually gains significant, permanent, upgrades like in Mega Man X, but for a star fighter. Each level will have one such upgrade, which must be earned through a difficult path or by fulfilling some incredibly random goal. This is in addition to the usual, but temporary, upgrades to your firepower that are found throughout each stage.

The final boss will be Andross.

Nintendo Figure Platform

They’re going to have some test figures at E3,maybe Mario, Luigi, and Peach,but only for the Wii U. The 3DS NFP device won’t even be shown because they’re still trying to figure out what to do with it. The persistent rumor is that the NFC figures will be implemented alongside Super Smash Bros. Initially, at least, the NFC figures will simply unlock unique trophies and/or stickers for each character so that the market isn’t significantly split between those who like buying worthless pieces of plastic (like me), and those who are actually money-savvy. Figures will cost $9.99 apiece and be relatively poor quality in terms of mold and detail. Special figures, in different poses will come later, and will not imbue any special features in the game, but will basically be for the collectors.

Tecmo Koei already has something in mind for a new Dead or Alive game. I will be powerless to resist.

Super Smash Bros. U

Proto Man will be announced as a playable character.

Super Smash Bros. 3DS

Super Sonico will be announced as a playable character.

The Legend of Zelda

Hyrule Warriors will be the big Zelda presence. It will be playable, but only with Link and Impa. The storyline will take place during the poorly defined “Hyrule Civil War” that’s mentioned in Hyrule Historia. Justin Berube will suffer a brain aneurysm and write a strongly worded editorial from his hospital bed.

Metroid Squad

We’re getting the Halo-like Metroid game that I always feared from back from this feature. In an effort to appeal to a wider audience, we’re getting a game based on Samus’ years with the Galactic Federation. You won’t even control Samus. You’re a goddamn Galactic Federation military grunt cooperating with your squadmates (via in-game chat) to do…things. Your goals will probably revolve around a Space Pirate invasion, because Nintendo can’t bother to come up with a different villain. You will interact with Samus as an NPC member of your squad, but she’s green, and hasn’t figured out how to be awesome yet, so you’ll do a lot of covering her ass.

The origin of the Metroids will be revealed, and it will fly in the face of everything we thought was canonical up to now. Ridley won’t even make an appearance, and all those bounty hunters from Metroid Prime 3 will show up from time to time in cameo roles. They’ll try to fill out the universe that has, until now, been pretty sparse.

Online multiplayer will function pretty much like Goldeneye 007 did on Wii, but obviously much better (right)? In one of the modes one player is Samus, and everybody else has to fucking kill her. SYSTEM SELLER.

Shantae & the Pirate’s Curse

Will be delayed until November.

Shantae: ½ Genie Hero

Will be demoed on the show floor, but it will obviously be a very early build. WayForward will announce a partnership with Kotobukiya to create a really awesome 1/7-scale Shantae figure. Zach will pre-order it the second pre-orders become available.

Tomodachi Life: Fabulous Edition

Nintendo will release a version of Tomodachi Life that includes same-sex pairings.

That was fun.