What the hell is this? To best describe this game, I only need to use two words: Bob Saget. Yep, this game is laughably horrible, it’s just that bad. How anyone could be expected to pay $40 for this is beyond me. Just how bad is it? Well, lets start off with the story.

Your name is Jim Track (BackTrack… you have to back track in the levels… Jim Track… GENIUS!), and all is not well. A man who goes by the name Chief O’Shanagan has called you into a meeting. I think he’s Chinese. Along with the Chief is the aptly named, Commander McBrag. I bet you’re wondering with a last name like, “McBrag”, could this character be pompous and hot headed? You bet! Congratulations on the creativity, guys. The last person in the room, a shady character, goes by the name Bob. As my own words could not possibly come close to describing how inane the introduction is, I took the liberty to provide you people with a small excerpt.

The Chief stood up from behind his desk and spoke. “Glad you could make it Jim Track. I trust you know Commander McBrag, and this is Bob.”

“I’ve dealt with McBrag before. Always has a tall tale. Bob who?”

“Just Bob,” replied the Chief.

“Just Bob, eh. Okay Chief, what’s your problem? Something must be real serious for you to call me.”

“Track, have you heard of project BSBODSOM?”

“No, what does it stand for?”

“It stands for build secret base on dark side of moon.”

I did not make that up. Go to your local Blockbuster, EB, wherever you can look at the manual. You see, at this point, you’d expect me to start talking about the game itself, right? No. I just can’t fathom any possible scenario that permits an individual, sober or not, to type these words, another individual to edit them, and then a third individual allowing it to be published. When you greet your friends, do you call them by their first and last name?

“Oh, hey Jonathan Metts. What’s up bro? Billy Berghammer and myself, Michael Orlando, are just playing some Wave Race here. I just have to go into the kitchen and hit myself with the sharp end of a hammer until I stop talking like this.”

Oh, but the creativity does not end there. Think… think of the names heard over CNN during the Gulf War for air strikes or base raids, or even names you’d hear in a game like Rainbow Six… Project Eagle Strike… Project Desert Swoop… Project BSBODSOM. Guess which one doesn’t quite fit! But surely that strung out acronym stands for something clever, a mixture of codenames, something symbolic!!

“It stands for build secret base on dark side of moon.”

Reading the manual made me want to hit myself with my keyboard. It does not stop. Later on in the introduction, we learn who Bob really is. Do you remember writing short stories way back in elementary school? Do you remember that whenever you were writing about aliens, you’d use long, complicated names for the aliens that not even Pavarotti with a lisp could pronounce?

“Mr. Track, my true name is Kilantrainia, but my friends call me Bob. I am from a planet about 400 light years from here. My government is currently looking for a traitor by the name of Domingoaniax.”

Yep. I don’t care that I’m not talking about the game. This issue must be addressed. If you want to know if that game’s any good, scroll down until you see me stop laughing, but I’ll save you the time. It sucks. Ok, time for more manual quotes! Jim Track is a complicated man… I’d finish that sentence with a Shaft analogy, but I don't think Jim Track’s chances of having a “woman” are too favorable. Track can be… stubborn or ignorant at times…

“Look Bob, this seems to be your problem. I think your people should solve it.”

“There is no way a couple hundred aliens could take over an entire planet, especially if we are on alert! I don’t care how advanced your weapons are!”

But Jim Track is a human being like every one of us, so if I just focused on his bad moods, well, that wouldn’t be very fair, would it? You see, Jim is… an intellectual mountain of wit. Sure, every man has his moments in comedy, but with Jim, it’s just oh so natural.

“That’s fine and dandy Chief; where are the groovy alien guns?”

“I’m not feeling that warm and fuzzy about the way you say possibly.”

Duke Nukem, eat your heart out. If there’s one thing that we all know about Mr. Track, it’s that his confidence will always shine through.

“One more thing, Chief.”

“What’s that Track?”

“I thought you said this wouldn’t be easy!”

But of course Jim Track isn’t the only man taking place in this tense scene. Sharing most of the dialogue with Jim is none other than the Chief. Using similes, metaphors, and stretching the term known as “language” to convey both subtle and raw emotion, the writers for this breathtaking introduction were able to separate any reminders that this is, in fact, a game, better than any writer could. Kojima’s games turn into babbling 4th rate nonsense in comparison to the storytelling featured in BackTrack. Watch as the Chief’s words take over, completely disconnecting any attachments you had with anything that could be remotely considered related to videogames.

“We are going to implant you with the health gadget, and give you a modified semi-automatic gun. Your mission is to free all the hostages, kill anyone or anything that isn’t human, and destroy the base. We will give you a secret password that will access the self-destruct..”

Breathless. I am completely breathless. And with that I will leave the one saving grace of BackTrack, the gifted story. BackTrack was the very first FPS (First Person Shooter) released on the GBA. Since then, Doom has been released for the handheld. You get two chances guessing which one is better, and the first guess doesn’t count.

All right, since I’m here, I might as well describe the actual game. Back Track takes place inside a moon base, where you must attack legions of robots and other discernable things. Among these enemies are the hopelessly named “Alien Dudes”.

“Alien Dude – These 6”10, 220 lbs, intelligent, bug-eyed creeps have the knowledge and technology to create a high-speed Laser Gun. Ouch, that’s going to hurt.”

If they’re so intelligent, why don’t they turn around when I’m shooting them in the back? Their nerves must be too advanced. A more detailed description is found further on in the manual.

“Bug-eyed alien dudes with long arms. They are equipped with a high intensity disrupter. They are Domingoaniax’s followers, sworn to follow his every command. Reasoning with them is all but impossible, since they don’t speak a lick of English.”

Good thing that doesn’t sound like a mirror description of the Taliban, or else I’d be worried. The good news is that America and the rest of the world possess the firepower to combat the Taliban and any other terrorists of that sort. With Jim Track, you are armed with such weapons as a slingshot (that shoots FIRE), a hair spray can (that shoots FIRE), a vacuum cleaner of doom (that shoots FIRE), and…. I can’t believe I’m actually typing this… a Swiss army knife. Yes, if you’re out of ammo, or don’t have any other weapons, your default course of defense is a Swiss army knife.

Now, consider that the majority of the enemies you’re going to face are robots. That’s right, you are attacking, and somehow killing 6’5” metal robots with a pocketknife. This causes another one of those keyboard suicide moments I mentioned earlier. This game is just horribly stupid. On top of everything else mentioned, there’s fog. And we’re not talking pea soup green Turok fog, oh no. This fog is black. And thick. It resonates about 2 meters away from your perspective. It just isn’t right.

Does BackTrack do ANYTHING right? Unfortunately, yes. Thanks in part to the fog, the game runs at a smooth framerate. Considering there are times when you’ll see multiple enemies on the screen, some which can be quite detailed, it is relatively impressive. The cart also opens with a nice 20 second FMV, which was pretty cool. The multiplay features are extensive, offering bots to fight with, and the chance to change your character (and thus your weapon) in mid combat. Factor in the ability to up the brightness of the game, and the sensitivity of your controls, and… I have to admit that BackTrack isn’t the shittiest title in the world.

But man, does it SUCK. The music is horribly repetitive, the sound effects are bland, the level design is horrible, and you’ve already heard my issues with the weapons and presentation. This game sucks. If you want a FPS to play on the bus, get Doom (or possibly the upcoming Ecks vs. Sever, which looks quite promising). I’ve tried to write this set of impressions at least five times, and each time I just walked away from the computer in frustration, unable to convey the level of absurdity this game possesses. I still don’t think I’ve quite explained it in full, but I don’t think anyone will be able to.

Are you going to find a review of BackTrack here at PGC? No. There is no way I am going to play this game ever again. You understand how bad it is, and how good Doom is, right? Numbers do not change that. Just buy Doom, and forget about this game. I’m not touching it anymore.

I apologize to you, the reader. My words may cause a domino effect with the publishers of the videogame industry when it comes to dealing with sites like Planet GameCube. I’m probably not going to find a copy of the highly anticipated Telegames published GBA game, ‘Urban Yeti’ in my mailbox anytime soon. But I had to do it. I had to stand up, and give you the truth. This may be the end of videogames as we know it… but at least you got the truth. God Bless America.