A little while ago I had the pleasure of playing a demo of the upcoming Professor Layton vs. Phoenix Wright game. I know what you’re thinking and yes, it’s going to be an amazing game. The two play styles flow beautifully into each other. The story looks to be engrossing. Basically, the demo makes the game look like everything you want and more. But that’s not why I’m here, writing today. I’m here because of Johnny Smiles.

Johnny Smiles is an English security guard whose smile twinkles like the stars in the sky. He always has a chocolate bar by his side right next to his trusty flashlight. He’s able to spin his hat with the precision and grace of an Olympian. He usually works at night and ALWAYS WEARS SUNGLASSES. That’s right, there is a security guard who wears his sunglasses at night so he can (so he can) look charming to NO ONE.

Here’s my problem with you, Johnny Smiles – Do your job. No night watchmen go on patrol once every twenty minutes. They make constant rounds! No chocolate bar breaks for these professionals! And none of them wear their sunglasses! There’s no reason to! You do not impress anyone. The only people you will encounter are criminals and your job is to stop them from doing what they want. C’mon on now, Johnny. You’re better than that.

Now, when I pick up Professor Layton vs. Phoenix Wright on August 29 it will be with great pleasure and righteous fury that I will take down Johnny Smiles when he takes the stand. I will uphold justice and seek the truth when lies and deceit cross my path! I will uphold the law and believe in my client! I will take down that damn Johnny Smiles.