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Pikachu straight from HELL

by Billy Berghammer - August 17, 1999, 7:25 am PDT
Source: FGN Online

Billy comes to understand exactly why Pokémon are so addicting.

I am not suprised at all. I can't beleive I am hooked on these little bastards! I absolutely am addicted to Pokemon Snap. I couldn't understand why, until now. Read on! Thanks to Fastest Game News.

Madcap minister Mark Juvera, full of holy vitriol and smoldering with the righteous fires of heaven, burnt Pokémon trading cards and whacked a Pokémon action figure with a 30 inch sword in front of 85 incensed children at the Grace Fellowship Church, Colorado recently. Hit the headline for the latest on the Pokémon holy war.

Following the crazed assault on the Nintendo products, Juvera's 9 year-old son ripped the limbs and head of a Pokémon doll. During the frenzied outburst, the massed pre-pubescent congregation screamed, "Burn it, burn it" and, "Chop it up, chop it up". The pastor continually affirmed to the children of the evil undercurrents associated with the franchise.

Nintendo's PR manager Beth Llewellyn was as mystified as the rest of the gaming world. "We've only heard good things, very... positive things about Pokémon,'' she told the Denver Post Southern Colorado Bureau. "We get volumes and volumes of letters from parents and kids about how wonderful they think Pokémon is. They say, 'My kids are now reading because they want to read all they can about Pokémon.' It's a universally positive experience.''

Mark Cowart, pastor of the 1,500-member, nondenominational church, said he was alerted to the evil of Pokémon whilst driving with his children. According to the Colorado publication, he heard them in the back seat of the car talking about "Abra'' and "Cadabra,'' and his "antenna went up''.

"It's got sugar coating on it, but underneath, it's poison,'' howled Cowart. He continued, saying the sword was used in the demonstration because the Bible teaches that the "way you come down against the powers of darkness is with the sword of the spirit. We don't do things just for the sake of being sensational like the World Federation of Wrestling."

Expect the Colorado warriors of truth and justice to mass the children of the state for the creation of huge anti-Nintendo monoliths in the coming weeks.

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