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How I Learned to Accept My Inevitable Death by Pokemon

by Becky Hollada and Josh Max - October 31, 2013, 8:36 am PDT
Total comments: 4

Something to help you sleep at night.

It’s Halloween, the time of year when everyone’s brains turn to creepy crawlies and the kinds of things your nightlight kept away as a kid. People usually turn to haunted houses and horror movies for a good fright, but, honestly, you don't have to look any further than Pokémon to get a good chill down your spine.

These games were meant for kids… right?

Absol - “Disaster Pokémon”

“It senses coming disasters and appears before people only to warn them of impending danger.”

Showing up right before huge natural disasters strike has lead Absol to being mistaken as a bringer of doom, which makes it downright creepy. Because it senses disaster and comes to warn people, you know every time you see an Absol something’s coming and it’s probably going to kill people. Despite the fact that Absol itself doesn’t bring disaster, it still portends doom and as we’ve seen in films like The Ring, knowing something bad is coming is almost just as bad as the thing itself.

Lampent – “Lamp Pokémon”

“It arrives near the moment of death and steals spirit from the body. The spirits it absorbs fuel its baleful fire. It hangs around hospitals waiting for people to pass on.”

Lampent is the evolved form of cute little Litwick, a candle Ghost Pokémon with emo bangs, and it is pretty much just as cute. Not exactly the most frightening Pokémon wandering around in a world that gave us Cofagrigus, the floating sarcophagus.

Except a sarcophagus that tricks unsuspecting grave robbers isn’t nearly as creepy as something that steals souls. Lampent lurks around hospitals to snap up the spirits of dying people and looks adorable while doing it.

So if this thing stalks people who are soon to die just so it can eat their souls…why is it hanging out with you?

Honedge – “Sword Pokémon”

“Apparently this Pokémon is born when a departed spirit inhabits a sword. It attaches itself to people and drinks their life force. If anyone dares to grab its hilt, it wraps a blue cloth around that person's arm and drains that person's life energy completely.”

Nothing looks outwardly creepy about a sword Pokémon right? Of course not. It’s a Pokémon that brings all the badassery of sword play into the Pokémon world! Just don’t touch it. Honedge is actually a possessed sword that is out to kill you. It lies in wait until it can attach itself to an unsuspecting person and suck away their life energy completely, and once it drains its trainer to a lifeless husk, it just floats along until some other poor fool decides to catch it.

Haunter – “Gas Pokémon”

“In total darkness, where nothing is visible, Haunter lurks, silently stalking its next victim. By licking, it saps the victim’s life. It causes shaking that won’t stop until the victim’s demise.”

The Pokémon anime has given us a grievously inaccurate image of Haunter. Ash’s Haunter is a fun loving little prankster that manages to even get the dour Sabrina to smile. Awesome, right?

Except Sabrina probably died. Haunter lurk in the pitch black darkness where no one can see. It stalks its prey in the darkness, giving them that feeling of being watched, until the playful little scamp pounces and licks them. To death. Haunter’s tongue causes uncontrollable shaking that lasts until the victim dies. Alone, in the darkness. And running? Even if you could see, Haunter can also pass through objects. Bring a lantern if you hope to survive; just make sure it’s not a Lampent.

Banette – “Marionette Pokémon”

“A doll that became a Pokémon over its grudge from being junked. It seeks the child that disowned it. If it opens its mouth, its cursed energy escapes.”

Banette is probably the most overtly scary of this set, with its creepy smile that you only realize is a zipped up mouth after you’ve looked at it a couple times. But nothing is ever really that terrifying until there are children involved, right?

All Banette are former plush dolls that were abandoned by their owners. A strong grudge turned the doll into a Pokémon that now wants to hunt down the child who threw it out. Presumably to kill them and smile that creepy smile while Lampent shows up to steal their spirit. And you thought Lotso from Toy Story was bitter.

Now, think of every toy you’ve ever thrown out…they’re coming for you.

Froslass – “Snow Land Pokémon”

“Legends in snowy regions say that a woman who was lost on an icy mountain was reborn as Froslass. It freezes prey by blowing its -58 degree F breath. It is said to then secretly display its prey.”

Okay, let’s break this ice queen down. There was this woman who, once upon a time, went off towards an icy mountain and was never seen again. Instead this new Pokémon came back. Due to it being a woman of the ice, it was dubbed Froslass. When Froslass came back, she started freezing and (I assume) taking the lives of others in order to feed. Then when she finishes her meal she displays her victims’ corpses like some sort of serial killer. What’s that? Not creepy enough for you? Okay, let’s continue down the Buneary hole, then…

Gothitelle – “Astral Body Pokémon”

“They can predict the future from the placement and movement of the stars. They can see Trainers’ life spans. When it learns its Trainer’s life span, it cries in sadness.”

First and foremost, I would like to point out this is some Death Note level stuff. This Pokémon can see the exact day you’re going to die! Granted, it does show signs of remorse upon learning it. However, that doesn’t excuse the fact that this is a Pokémon that can see the day you’re going to die. You better hope you have a great relationship with your Gothitelle. Maybe it will have mercy on your soul and choose not to tell you.

Yamask – “Spirit Pokémon”

“Each of them carries a mask that used to be its face when it was human. Sometimes they look at it and cry. These Pokémon arose from the spirits of people interred in graves. Each retains memories of its former life.”

I’m not going to sit here and pretend you’ve never read this before. But I think it requires some reiteration. After Froslass freezes you, sending you to the great beyond on the day Gothitelle foresaw, you will return to this world as a Pokémon. And you will carry around a mask of your former face with you forever. Not only that, you will not be able to help yourself from looking at your former face and breaking down on a daily basis. Why the breakdown? Aside from the fact that you’re a shadow of your former self, I’m betting you’re also being yelled at by a 10 year old to fight the thing in front of you. I’m so sorry.

Duskull – “Requiem Pokémon”

“Duskull can pass through any wall no matter how thick it may be. Once this Pokémon chooses a target, it will doggedly pursue the intended victim until the break of dawn. It loves the crying of children. It startles bad kids by passing through walls and making them cry. If it finds bad children who won’t listen to their parents, it will spirit them away--or so it’s said.”

Duskull lives to scare children, that’s what it does. Not only that, but once it finds a child it wants to scare it will hunt that child for hours. Not until that child has given up all hope and surrendered itself to the fright that Duskull dishes out will they be left alone. That is, unless the child can run until morning. I only say run because it’s impossible to hide from Duskulls because they can pass through pretty much anything. But hey, at least you’re still alive. For now.

Drifloon – “Balloon Pokémon”

“A Pokémon formed by the spirits of people and Pokémon. It loves damp, humid seasons. It is whispered that any child who mistakes Drifloon for a balloon and holds on to it could wind up missing.”

Oh goody, another Pokémon who lives off the misery of children. It not only is a visible ghost of someone you may have known, but they are now a kidnapper. Think about it this way: your best friend died, turned into a balloon and now steals children for fun. Yeah, that is messed up. Happy Halloween.



Evan_BOctober 31, 2013

No Shedinja or Dusknoir?

LucarioOctober 31, 2013

no darkrai or cresslia

NWR_JoshJosh Max, Associate EditorNovember 01, 2013

Dusknoir is described as an antenna to the other world. While that is creepy, it's just not as creepy as some of the others on the list.
Shedinja is a floating reanimated husk. It's pretty creepy in that sense. And yeah it has that soul stealing stuff... but is stealing a soul creepier than displaying your prey after the hunt?
Darkrai causes nightmares. While the definition of nightmares involves fear, I don't feel like giving people a bad night's sleep is worse than condemning them to death.
Cressalia... I actually don't understand how you could find it creepy. It's associated with giving people good dreams.

LucarioNovember 04, 2013

just looks to... goody to shoes if you know what i mean!?

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