Sometime in the past week or two, I fell in love with the new Wii U RPG Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE in a wonderful way. Yea, it is a totally rad game, but this love didn’t fully come from the stellar combat system, over-the-top fun world, or winding and mind-bending dungeons. Nope, it was because the game’s ESRB rating summary is one of the most precious things to come out of a Teen-rated affair. If you want to hear about the actual game, check out Daan or Donald’s takes (or read my own review in the next issue of Nintendo Force). If, for some reason, you want a blow-by-blow of this rating description, check it below:

This is a role-playing game in which players assume the role of a high-school student who solves a mystery while helping his friend become a pop idol.

Go look at the cover of Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE and then come back and read this sentence. Did that come through in the box art? I mean, the pop idol stuff, sure, but just think of how many TV shows, games, books, movies can be summed up as a “high-school student who solves a mystery.” Could this be the trope that has gotten the most mileage? It’s like every Persona game. It’s Buffy. A lot of CW and ABC Family shows. Scream and Scream Queens. Veronica Mars. Spider-Man. Loosen the sentence to just “student” and then it opens even more. Aren’t we all just high-school students solving mysteries?

As players explore dungeon-like environments, they engage in turn-based battles with fantastical enemies known as Mirages. Characters take turns selecting moves from a menu in order to use arrows, spears, swords, and magic attacks to defeat enemies.

You need to have this part. It’s a solid two-sentence summary of the mechanics and what exactly a turn-based battle is. They did leave out the whole “sometimes your moves turn into a girl in a bikini jumping down a slide or a grown man in a bear costume” thing that happens way more often than you’d think.

Battles are highlighted by yells, impact sounds, and light effects.

Yelling happens a lot. I’m pretty sure the battle music could be turned off and it’d take me several turns to notice because of all the joyful (or tragic) screams emanating from my team and their enemies. Also, the lighting effects are off the hook.

Some female characters are depicted wearing low-cut clothing that reveals large amounts of cleavage; a handful of cutscenes contain brief close-ups of characters' cleavage.

This is totally a thing that happens. Brief is a little subjective here, as multiple times the camera seemed to freeze right over the mammoth mammary glands of your drunk boss. Also her boobs jiggle anytime a faint breeze swirls by, which happens roughly every five seconds in this magical version of Tokyo.

Characters occasionally engage in suggestive dialogue (e.g., “I need no praise from some disappointing 3D girl with a 2D chest!”). In a handful of scenes, a character is depicted drunk and hungover (e.g., dry-heaving sounds, slurred speech); players are to tasked with finding a hangover remedy for her.

When not laying down some vague, workplace harassment comments and wearing a low-cut top, your boss also gets drunk. But don’t worry: her 18-year-old employees find the ingredients for a hangover cure with a vocaloid. Tokyo Mirage Sessions might be a better simulation of the pop music industry than any of us give it credit for. However, there is a typo in this section, which immediately knocks this description’s final score down.

The word “sh*t” appears in the dialogue.

Shit yea it does.

Final Score: 8.5/10

Kicking off with one of the best first sentences in ESRB history, this summary hits a lull in the middle as it has to get technical, but picks up steam as it starts talking about cleavage and alcohol. A late typo stymies the big finish, which is the revelation that *whispers* there’s cursing shh don’t tell your parents. Would read this ratings summary again. Not quite as good as the game it’s about, though.