It is my obligation to let you know your friendly reviewer has taken riding lessons and been around plenty of real horses. My Horse & Me is a banal blend of accessory-purchasing and mini-games that approaches your relationship with a horse in a purely superficial way. On top of that, the graphics are rough and rushed.

My past should give me the gravitas to judge whether the game approximates the relationship between human and horse in any way. At this the game fails miserably. The down time with your horse is overly simplistic and lacks appeal. Even as you accumulate loads of horse accessories, the model changes are without distinction.

But is My Horse & Me at least an entertaining simulation game? Sorry, no luck here either. The main action consists of running and jumping your horse through obstacle courses and other challenges. Winning a Challenge or shorter Competition garners you cash to buy lots of stuff for your horse or yourself, such as a new pair of riding pants. All this customization does little, though, as the graphics are beyond sub-standard, looking very choppy and without any depth. If you've never experienced a real horse, you'll chuck the game. If you have, you'll burn it!

The game allows you to play as either gender, but your selection barely changes the model. You can change the length and color of your hair, with little onscreen change either. The horse choices are boring too, limited to a small selection of colors. I selected a black horse and named him Mr. Ed. Interestingly, you can record the horse's name in the microphone and call him to attention.

The controls are all over the place. During competitions, you steer using the D-Pad and jump using "A". You slow down with "B". These primary controls are slow and out of sync. One or the other controls has to be completely untouched for the other to work. It becomes maddening after awhile. The game uses the stylus to make selections in menus, but it is barely used when riding your horse. Yes, sadly, you only use the stylus to stroke an icon if your horse becomes stressed during competition.

You must also care for your horse and equipment, although this is limited to a few poorly rendered activities like fixing horseshoes or cleaning with a hose. You achieve these ends by simple strokes of the stylus. You must also clean the barn stall--the shop owner from town will pop up to show you how it's done. Be afraid, very afraid!

When it comes down to it, this game’s presentation is creepy. The static, text-based interactions with your horse instructor and the shop owner feature truly bizarre character depictions. The characters are rendered in an eerily realistic style, photographic almost. I wouldn't let my daughter around these weirdoes.

The simplistic design and superficial gameplay are sure to turn off everyone, including the young girl target group, and especially horse owners. The limited touch screen controls and shoddy conventional controls only make things worse. My Horse & Me is, in a word, plop.